blarg ([personal profile] napoleonherself) wrote2004-10-21 11:59 am
Entry tags:

Nobody comments to my entries anymore. I must be terribly boring.

Soooo... today I'm having trouble breathing, because everything that CAN be clogged up, IS clogged up. The cough I developed yesterday is also worse.

In addition, I'm horribly horribly in need of a shower, but I am afraid that if I shower and then sit around with wet hair then I will make myself sicker, which will in turn make me more in need of a shower because you just get grody faster when you're sick.

In exponentialism (see... addition... exponent... ah, you're none of you any fun), I am in the middle of an ongoing funk about myself in general. I am good at temporarily distracting myself from it by escaping into things like playing Sims, but in the background is still the nagging self-hatred. I have so very many bad traits. I have so very many mental hangups -- I can't even go out in public like a normal person because if someone walks by whistling a jaunty tune the sound will almost certainly send me into a panic attack. And of course, the whole "fat == stupid, worthless, and generally not actually human" thing. It is crushingly depressing to know that as I am out there going about my own business, chances are that at least a couple people around me have decided to instantly hate me simply because of my appearance. No, not everyone does this, true -- but how do I know which ones are and which ones aren't?

And I know I shouldn't care. But I do anyway. I can't help it. Sometimes it's all I CAN think about, just cramming myself into the corner of a classroom or a bus seat as small as I can so maybe I won't take up too much space in everyone else's world. Usually I can shove it down a bit and somewhat function. But it's almost always there.

So, yeah. Blatherings about my mental state the last few weeks. Please no patpat type comments. And no "fine then, just get off your lazy ass and lose weight" ones, because despite all this I still know intellectually that I AM healthy as I am right now, and that trying to change myself just so everyone else will accept me more is a GREAT way to wind up even MORE mentally screwed up than I already am, and probably a lot LESS healthy.

... *goes up to add lj-cut*

Man, I've posted this all before, haven't I? Like a billion times. I've got the weirdest feeling of deja vu.

So yeah. WHINE MODE OFF

*plays KoL*

(Anonymous) 2004-10-22 02:50 am (UTC)(link)
A pat pat comment is one of those sympathetic, sweet-nothing ones, isn't it? Well, going by this definition, I shall continue my comment.

The weight issue is a common one. My mother is extremely obese, so I see it every day. And so I can relate, regardless of my own body shape.

Self image is a hard thing to give an overhaul. For years I was convinced I'd fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. I grew my hair long so I could hide my face, and prevent other people from being offended by my visage. I wore baggy clothes so no one could say snide remarks about my figure.

I still do all this to some extent
(this is relevent, I'm just getting to it!)

You're fine as you are. You know this. You just need your conscious to get into gear and so that the *knowing* that you're fine as you are because second nature, so that the whole trying to avoid notice thing ceases and you can be yourself no matter the location. Eventually, this will happen, probably while you're not looking. Is the making sure you don't relapse that'll be the hard bit.

[identity profile] napoleonherself.livejournal.com 2004-10-22 09:49 am (UTC)(link)
Indeed, that is a pat-pat. The description, I mean. Not your comment.

And yeah, I know, I know. Cognitive dissonance is just eating my brain. With mint jelly. And really, I suppose the conscious-getting-into-gear bit DID happen... a bit... for a while... and really I'm just relapsing back to the bottom again.

Stupid brain. Hate it. Kill it.