Oct. 1st, 2002

Failed a math quiz today. I might get one point if the instructor feels like pitying me. I knew what I needed to do, I did it... and then I couldn't focus long enough to figure out how to translate what I had into the actual answer. It required like two more seconds' thought, but my head's been fuzzy all day and I haven't been able to concentrate. I actually wound up erasing everything because I got confused and thought I had done the wrong thing; then after turning in nearly-blank quiz I picked up the key and discovered that I had indeed been on the right track and had also been about one breath away from getting it all right and having a perfect score. So, failed in the stupidest way possible. YAY.

Then we went to post office and picked up my computer. I peeked in the box on the way home. It looks shiny. I allowed myself to feel somewhat happy even though I just did a good job endangering my math grade -- because hey, I'm already well aware that I will never be really happy, I'll never have anything that really matters, but at least I can distract myself with things that ultimately don't matter, like shiny computers and episodes of old cartoons and whatnot.

Hah. Hah. No, I can't even have that. You have no idea (at least I hope you have no idea) how much it hurts to be resigned to knowing that you'll only ever have meaningless diversions to keep you from offing yourself, and then to, over and over and over again, have even THAT taken away from you.

Near as I can tell, mom fried my DSL modem. She did something that caused all phoneage to cut out at once -- one second working just fine, next second deadness -- and I had her fix it, but the DSL is still not working. And not working. And not working. So I'm stuck on dial-up. And since new computer doesn't have a modem, only a network card... well. I'm stuck on old clunky laptop as well. So new computer still sits in its box. And it will probably sit there for some time to come. Apparently I don't get to use it. I just get to PAY FOR IT.

I'll probably get mocked and sarcasm'd at here for saying this, just like mom mocked me for it about ten minutes ago, but... I hate this goddamn world. It's a horrible, rotten place, that doesn't let you have ANYTHING. Not even things that don't even matter in the first place.

Thank you. That is all.
Uh huh. I complain publicly about the DSL dying, so when I'm not looking it fixes itself. So now I get to be humiliated over whining about a problem that doesn't exist.

So. La. That's four hours of my life spend mainly-napping-to-escape-reality that I'll never get back.

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