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"How Kirsten Dunst Had It Tough as a Kid

By Cathryn Conroy, CompuServe News Editor
You think Kirsten Dunst, a totally knockout big screen movie star, is just about perfect and must have been blessed with an equally perfect life. Um, no, I don't. I don't know anything about her, but I know for a fact that she's not perfect. Nobody is. Not even movie stars. Wrong! Golly. While there are certainly much worse problems in this world, and yet this is still newsworthy, apparently it turns out that Kirsten was teased mercilessly as a little kid. What a rare occurrence! That hardly ever happens to anyone! This is VERY newsworthy! Wireless Flash reports that when the "Spider-Man" star was in second grade, the kids called her "Kirsten Dunce." And that's not all. When she walked past them, they would say "Duh!" When I walked past the other kids they either threw things at me, tried to trip me or shove me into things, yelled things at me ('hey, my friend here likes you!' was a common one, anyone else get that?) or made rude noises. And sometimes they did all of the above. And this wasn't just in second grade, it was through almost all of elementary and junior high. But I'm not famous so that isn't important.

So Kirsten's mom did what all good moms do. She tried to help. Does that mean my mom was a bad mom because she didn't, like, come to school and beat up the kids who were mean to me or something? She told her daughter the heritage of the family surname, explaining that "Dunst" means "fog" in German. Unfortunately, that just made things worse when Kirsten told this to her meanie classmates. They started bellowing fog horn noises at her. Suck it up, chica. You got off lucky."

More, but it's similarly stupid.

The lesson here is that if you grow up to be attractive, then it's a horrible thing that you got m0xx0red as a kid. But if you grow up to be ugly, no one except maybe those close to you gives a spoony.