Long AIM, with spoilers, but what it's spoiling is so bad that those who watched it envy the dead

[napoleonherself]

The Jennybork: This The Librarian movie is insanely, insanely bad.
The Jennybork: Point: this chick brings a MACHETE onto a PLANE.
emsworth: The one on cable?
The Jennybork: Yeah.
emsworth: Heeeee!
The Jennybork: THE ARK OF THE COVENANT is SITTING OUT IN THE OPEN in this secret magical room. Not in a glass case or anything, nothing safe like that, since IF YOU TOUCH IT YOU WILL BE ELECTROCUTED.
The Jennybork: Pandora's box is also sitting out, unlocked, unprotected.
emsworth: And where does the librarian come in?
emsworth: "Hey, what's this nifty container? I need something for my mailersAUGHAHAHAII ARGHEVILISEVRYWHERE!"
The Jennybork: The guy who protects all the important artifacts ever is called the librarian.
The Jennybork: Mecha: 'People are dying. Cinema is dying. Perhaps ALL OF HUMAN CULTURE is dying! How can I not watch?!'
emsworth: Is he referring to the plot or the detrimental effects of the movie on the outside world, or both?
The Jennybork: I think both.
The Jennybork: "This movie makes Tomb Raider look like Schindler's List."
emsworth: Ouch.
emsworth: How's the acting?
The Jennybork: Oh, oh yeah, oh yeah, there is a HUGE FRIGGIN GIGANTIC Mayan temple, several hundred feet high, THAT NOBODY KNEW EXISTED, ANYWHERE, EVER since the guys built it, until this librarian guy found it.
The Jennybork: It's... it's decent, I suppose.
The Jennybork: They say so many cliched lines that it's hard to tell where the writing and the acting separate.
emsworth: The guy who played Steve Jobs in that TV movie is the lead, apparently. No doubt sans glasses and trying to look all buff and macho, as far as librarians go.
The Jennybork: No, no, he's a total nerd, but no glasses, you're right about that.
emsworth: Well, that at least is refreshing.
The Jennybork: The chick I mentioned, that he "just happened" to sit next to on the plane to the Amazon whicfh is where they are now, she "just happens" to be the person charged with keeping the librarian alive.
The Jennybork: They still hate each other, but I'm sure they'll be makibng out before it's over.
emsworth: Heee.
emsworth: That part of it almost sounds endearing.
The Jennybork: This long-lost temple has an 'invisible' floor, apparently done with mirrors, that has NO DUST ON IT
emsworth: And the fact that they even made a movie called "The Librarian" which *isn't* an indie noirish examination of sexual mores and the erotic nature of reference books amuses me.
The Jennybork: Heeeeeee.
The Jennybork: OMFG NO
The Jennybork: THey have to waltz to get past these deathtraps.
The Jennybork: I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP
The Jennybork: Arrows coming out of the walls, swinging blades, THE MAYANS DESIGNED IT SO YOU HAVE TO WALTZ TO GET THROUGH *HOW DID THEY KNOW WHAT A WALTZ WAS*
emsworth: This actually sounds like it could be campy fun.
The Jennybork: The thing is, it isn't. Not quite. *Almost*, I mean, they have cheesy overblown music at just about all the right parts and everything, but it still feels like it's taking itself just the wrong amount of serious.
emsworth: Geeze, how can you still be serious after waltzing Maya death traps?
The Jennybork: Oh, and of course the bad guys following them think everything librarian does is GENIUS even though he keeps doing things like hitting his head and being thrown out of a plane by the buff chick.
emsworth: What's next, the ancient hokey pokey curse of the Incas? That's what it's all about!
The Jennybork: Heeeeee.
emsworth: Heeeeee.
emsworth: You're making me wish I had cable.
The Jennybork: Believe me, you're lucky.
emsworth: Please tell me the bad guy isn't Arabian or British.
The Jennybork: Oh, btw, he learned a language 'nobody' can learn in SEVEN HOURS
The Jennybork: Nah, he's american-sounding.
The Jennybork: And white.
emsworth: Good.
emsworth: If librarian takes off his shirt and embraces buff chick in a sudden monsoon near the pit right next to the fourth sacerdotal relic, let me know.
The Jennybork: Righty-o.
emsworth: Or if it ends up with their flying home to get married, possibly bringing back a native monkey or small Mayan urchin.
The Jennybork: Okay, now he has to say the true name of god to open this thingy.
The Jennybork: Even though they're in a BUDDHIST TEMPLE
emsworth: What *is* the true name of God, according to them?
emsworth: Yahweh? Jehovah? Big Bearded Guy with the Groovin' Walking Stick?
The Jennybork: Turns out it's "me".
The Jennybork: Because god is in all of us or something.
emsworth: Err.
emsworth: Is it almost over?
The Jennybork: I think so.
emsworth: And no makeout session yet? Maybe we're safe.
The Jennybork: Oh, in the magical land of Shangri-La they speak modern English. Some of them with some slight accent, but.
emsworth: Or else villain will catch them, they'll be tied together and confess their true passion before making a daring escape.
emsworth: "This is Shangri-La, the paradise, after all. So naturally we have access to Amazon.com books!"
The Jennybork: Okay, chick just came into his hotel room wearing a skanky robe and OH FOR THE LOVE OF THEY SLEPT TOGETHER
The Jennybork: WHY GOD WHY
emsworth: "Great way to keep up with slang and enjoythat most brilliant prophetess Danielle Steele."
emsworth: They slept together?
emsworth: In Shangri-La??
emsworth: At least they didn't show any footage, but this is worse than makeout session. Gahhh.
emsworth: Is he in a matching robe?
The Jennybork: No, they went to a hotel. And now he's in a SHEET. Like it's a TOGA PARTY.
The Jennybork: (Come to think of it, how close to Shangri-La could that hotel be that NOBODY EVER FOUND THE MAGICAL LAND BEFORE...?)
emsworth: Why? Is the adventure over?
emsworth: Maybe it's just because that hotel had lousy beds, and so few people stopped.
The Jennybork: No, no, the chick is gone and so is the artifact they had, so now he apparently has to go to Egypt or something.
emsworth: That, or they heeded the adage, "Beware of male book guardians who frolic erotically in cheap linens."
emsworth: So wait, she slept with him, and left while he was still in the sheet?
The Jennybork: Yeah, or was abducted, either way.
emsworth: Ouch. Okay, you're right, this couldn't even be campy fun.
emsworth: And worst part about it, USA Today quoted Wylie as saying he was doing The Librarian so his son could have something decent to watch when the DVD came out, ot something.
emsworth: Also regarding the possibility of more kids, "he needs a partner in crime."
The Jennybork: I wish in these things the male lead and female lead could just come to respect each other greatly as equals in the face of adversity.
The Jennybork: Instead of KNOCKING BOOTS
emsworth: Or knotting the sheets, if you know what I mean.
The Jennybork: Yeah.
The Jennybork: Now Bob Newhart is beating people up.
emsworth: Bob Newhart??
emsworth: Poor guy needs a new agent!
The Jennybork: OH GODS NO they are having a catfight over the librarian now *cries forever*
emsworth: What is he doing in this? And I mean that in terms of plot and character, such as they are, not the need for booze money or whatever.
The Jennybork: He's like the head of this m ysterious 'all the magical mystical objects ever are real and we have them' agency.
The Jennybork: That nobody knows about, despite the fact that someone pays for their space and electricity and bookcases and stuff.
The Jennybork: They have the goose that lays golden eggs, maybe they just sell the eggs. *rolls eyes*
emsworth: So, is he like the librarian's chief, or is he a villain?
emsworth: I just saw Bob Newhart in Elf. I was hoping he might be on a career upswing. Evidently not.
The Jennybork: He's a good guy.
emsworth: And is librarian guy that nerdishly cute to fight over?
The Jennybork: No, not really. He's okay, but.
The Jennybork: He pulled Excalibur from the stone. *cries forever, more*
emsworth: So.. this means he's the reincarnation of Arthur, or more likely, just really lucky?
The Jennybork: It said earlier that only "the worthy" can pull it, so.
emsworth: You are worthy!
emsworth: Yet with the elements, and especially the casting of Bob Newhart, it sounds like it might have worked as an all out spoof.
The Jennybork: That was the worst movie ever. I am sure of it.
The Jennybork: Yeah, it would've been great if it'd either taken itself completely seriously -- thus camp -- or if it'd had no seriousness at all -- a la Undercover Brother, which is HILARIOUS -- but it's riiiiiiight in the middle.
emsworth: I'll withold judgement, since Pinocchio in Outer Space is hard to top.
The Jennybork: Ah, true.
emsworth: I thought of Undercover Brother, yeah. Chief: "This is a great day for black people of all races. (long pause) Think about it!"
The Jennybork: Heh heh.
The Jennybork: And the white intern because of affirmative action.
The Jennybork: That was good. This? Death on a screen.
emsworth: Is it over?
The Jennybork: Yeah.
The Jennybork: When I said it was the worst, it was the end credits then.
emsworth: If only the credits had been creative.
emsworth: So librarian guy goes home with buff chick to knock more boots?
The Jennybork: Yeah, he's talking with his mom afterwards and she drives up on a motorcycle -- RAMPING OVER A PLANTER AND SOME PEOPLE -- to pick him up because someone stole the time machine and now they have to deal with time-travelling ninjas.
emsworth: Who in their right mind sees a script about gooses that lay golden eggs and time traveling ninjas and says, "You know what, we have a pulse pounding dramatic thriller here."
The Jennybork: I don't know!

Comments

[aquaman-neo.livejournal.com]

Oh, come on, Jenny, how could you miss that it was playing off of bad-Indie-ripoffs and Indie-itself? I may have to disfrensiate you.

Bob Newhart beating people up.
The ending was SUPPOSED to be so over the top you'd want to die.

I'll fight you.

[wing-zero-ew.livejournal.com]

I think you're rating this piece of monkey crap far too highly. Of course it was ripping off (not playing off) Indiana Jones; that one was obvious from the get-go. Nerdish archaeology academic goes on wild adventure? Come on.

The problem is that it did so in such an incredibly poor fashion. I had to restrain myself from gagging when he got the Hogwarts letter. That's not parody; that's just sad. When you have the cliche sharp-object loving villain from Tomb Raider (right down to his demeanor and penchant for dressing in black) who also seems to forget he carries a gun at all the right moments sauntering around with the fill-in-the-blank female nemesis character from Bond movies, that's not parody anymore; it's just stupid. In order to parody something, you have to like it, but you also have to attack it. You can't just warm it over for 2 ungodly hours on cable.

Then you have the production values. Who the hell was responsible for all this third-rate CG anyway? God! If you can't make it look real, and you don't need it in there, then leave it out for Erissakes. After the eighth or ninth PS1-grade CG pan shot of a generic jungle backdrop, I think we got the point: they couldn't afford an actual special effects shop. The real point here was the need for filler, of course; without all the silly CG crap, this thing would have run 15 minutes short.

What absolutely killed it for me though is that at no point did it even make sense. From your usual 'because it looks cool' mistakes (like the highly ornamental lance/spear... as if Rome spent its gold making shiny spears for the footsoldiers) to the action-movie crap (opening an airline door at altitude without, say, a bomb) to the unbelievably stupid writing mistakes (Nicole's totally unexplained, unresolved abduction/defection/whatever in Mongolia), this movie couldn't take the step from one plot point to the next without tripping over itself five or six times. It's disgusting. Third graders can write better material.

And before someone defends the movie's habit of nonsensical self-delusion as parody, let me say this: there is a difference between being wacky or funny and being crap. It isn't wrong that the movie is full of nonsense; so are Mel Brooks movies. What's wrong is that the movie is INTERNALLY INCONSISTENT. We get something like 3 goddamn minutes of "The Librarian" in a homemade toga worrying himself sick over that slut Nicole having disappeared, and then it's completely dropped and forgotten. The point is either important, or not. Do we have 3 minutes of Darth Helmut worrying about the bear being in that escape pod? No. Because it was a GAG. It was internally consistent with a movie that makes no sense and has its own VHS as a major plot point. The Librarian goes for funny, and isn't. It goes for serious, and forgets it was trying. MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND DEVLIN!

Argh.

[napoleonherself.livejournal.com]

Yeah, see what mecha said, or my shorter wording of it: it could've been a great parody if it'd just stuck to nonseriousness, i.e. Undercover Brother or, as mecha says, Spaceballs. But it kept taking itself completely seriously for a bit before getting distracted by something shiny and wandering off towards silliness for a bit -- which just kept me confused.

[nidoking.livejournal.com]

The funny part is that the people on imdb seem to be giving that movie good reviews. I'm confused now. Nobody says good things about Manos: The Hands of Fate.

[ryl.livejournal.com]

I read through that whole thing and the comments and I still want to see it. I watched way too much MST. Bad movies are a challenge to me.

[wing-zero-ew.livejournal.com]

Damn you're either a masochist or terribly self-destructive.

[ryl.livejournal.com]

I'm just very tired at the end of a long semester. It's got to be better than V.S. Naipaul, Nobel Laureate or no.