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napoleonherselfFriday night the horrible horrible bitch next door had some fucking party that went on past midnight and involved loud music, shouting, and LITERAL SCREAMING. Literal. Past midnight. OKAY SERIOUSLY I KNOW IT IS FRIDAY NIGHT BUT SHUT. UP. I hate that bitch. Pity I'm too scared to actually do anything about it. Thanks, neighbors back in Wyckford! Because of you, I can no longer feel safe anywhere, because for all I know I will again find that "complaining about noisy neighbors" == "cannot leave apartment unless accompanied by someone in case you decide to get violent". Really! Thanks!
Saturday Sarah and Ted came down from Indy, and we all went to the Cinemat for Atomic Age Cinema. The Cinemat is this place downtown that rents movies and also has a screening room type thing in back. Atomic Age Cinema is, well, this. A guy in white face makeup and a wig, and a guy in a Cthulhu mask, and apparently a third guy except this Saturday it was pretty much just the two, host the screening of a crappy movie. And make jokes about it. And do trivia and give out prizes. And it was COMPLETELY AWESOME. This next weekend we sadly have other plans involving going to Columbus, Ohio so Ted can listen to Arnold Schwartzenegger talk about muscles. But after that we are gonna be there EVERY WEEK.
Three bucks per person for a movie, a show, and a guy in tentacles with a great stage presence (Mardi was okay but not as good). YES.
Saturday night, or technically Sunday morning since we didn't even get home till 3 AM, Sarah and Ted stayed at a room in the hotel in McCormick's Creek, which is a state park nearby, and we naturally crashed back here. I had a dream with Chris in it -- I was sitting next to him and leaning on him, while he was talking to some people and trying to convince them of something -- and spent basically all of Sunday choking back tears at having had to wake up from ANYTHING involving him in ANY WAY. The car broke down on the way back from McCormick's Creek, and so it was a good thing that Sarah and Ted were right behind us because they were taking mecha up to Indy with them. We managed to get it into the parking lot of the costume store at 10th and 46, and as of my bus ride home yesterday evening it was still there.
Yesterday (Monday) I had another counseling appointment, and then had lunch at the union, and then went to class, and then came home. I was feeling what passes for okay again at the time of the counseling appointment, and so I mainly talked about how tired I am of this. It's frustrating and incredibly wearying to just go on being miserable all the time (aside from when I am able to make myself forget it in the short term, but it is still back there waiting to come out again). To wake up every morning knowing that I am going to be depressed today and that it will not end any time soon. To know that I am going to be hit all over again with the fact that Chris is dead and gone forever and ever and I will never see him again, to know that that metaphoric kick to the stomach is coming again and again and again and there is nothing I can do to escape. I wanted ONE THING from life, and that was to someday be with him. I suffered years and years of loneliness and frustration because I figured that if I could just get through the crap of school and whatever, then I could actually be where I wanted to be. And it was obviously too much to ask. Sorry, Jenny, but we do have a lovely parting gift of a lifetime spent as a lonely cat lady. And now a word from our sponsors.
Then Monday evening I learned that my family's stupid fucking Internet connection has stopped working. And this morning I got more calls about it. It isn't working and it isn't working and I'm going to have to go SIX FUCKING HUNDRED MILES to fix it AGAIN and I'm going to get in SO MUCH TROUBLE when I ask for someone to drive me and I HATE THAT FUCKING LAPTOP SO MUCH. As Chris's last days and weeks were ticking by I was frittering away a fair chunk of my time setting up that STUPID FUCKING LAPTOP to be "idiot proof". One night I even skipped saying good night to him proper because I needed to go work on it. Like two days before he died. I poured some of my last chances to spend time with him into that FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT and it WON'T EVEN WORK. And then I get calls from my brother where he is in tears and moaning that I just "have" to come out there and fix the fucking thing. Because it's soooooo important that he gets his fucking Internet RIGHT NOW. I have school and I have an apartment to take care of and EVERY SINGLE DAY I have to LIE to myself and say that there are REASONS TO WAKE UP THE NEXT MORNING, but fuck my problems, because he can't read about Transformers! Time to drop everything! It isn't like I'm doing anything important. It isn't like I'll ever be happy anyway. Might as well be miserable while in the service of others.
Finally, Monday night shortly before bed, I stumbled across a folder full of ancient webcam captures of Chris. And then I just cried and cried because all I have left of him is ancient webcam captures and MUX logs and a couple of letters and things that he sent me, and a ring that I wear on a chain since it never actually fit. And that's it. Five whole years and that's all I have to show for it; five measly years and now it's over already. These things are supposed to happen when you're old, so you don't have to go on living for too much longer afterwards. They're not supposed to happen when you're 25 and probably won't get to also die for decades. And while I'm not at all the suicidal type, I just do not want to keep living like this. It hurts and hurts and doesn't stop hurting and it really does feel like either the hurting has to stop or else the being alive part does. Yet it all keeps going, with no end in sight. With my luck I will probably live to be ninety, and still be lonely and shattered at the very end. It would follow the pattern. Good things for Jenny mean there is an oversight somewhere, and while it might take five years to correct the oversight, rest assured, that correction will come.
Today on the phone with mom it also came up that her parents have decided to go into a rest home. Sure, she dropped everything and moved out to West Virginia just to take care of them, and nobody can find jobs that will support the family even now. But hell, let's add on the extra expense anyway. It isn't like mom gave up good employment to move out there OH WAIT YEAH SHE DID
Basically they simply will not have enough money to survive and they will all wind up ON THE FUCKING STREET until I can finally graduate and get some money and then I'll have to send it all to them just so they can survive. For the rest of my life. Until I finally, mercifully die.
Good things for Jenny? Never. Bad only. Have to keep up the pattern.
Now I should be on the bus headed for class, except I had to keep answering the phone and hearing more reasons to hate life. And now I just can't do it. I can't go to class. I haven't got the energy, and I keep crying too hard to even see anyway. I have to go to the class I have at 4, because it has a fairly strict attendance policy, but right now I just can't. I really can't.
I have a huge test tomorrow that I have to study for, too, but every time I try I just can't think about it because I'm too busy thinking about all the things that are going wrong. And I'm guaranteed more calls tonight when I get home, so I won't be able to study then either.
And basically life is just shit and I hate it hate it hate it.
Chris used to tell me that things would be all right someday, and that he would be here for me meanwhile. But he's gone forever now. And the first half was never true anyway.
You can have that whole "hope" thing, if you want. I'm through with it. At least bad things hurt less when you know all along that there was no way for them to ever turn out good anyway.
Saturday Sarah and Ted came down from Indy, and we all went to the Cinemat for Atomic Age Cinema. The Cinemat is this place downtown that rents movies and also has a screening room type thing in back. Atomic Age Cinema is, well, this. A guy in white face makeup and a wig, and a guy in a Cthulhu mask, and apparently a third guy except this Saturday it was pretty much just the two, host the screening of a crappy movie. And make jokes about it. And do trivia and give out prizes. And it was COMPLETELY AWESOME. This next weekend we sadly have other plans involving going to Columbus, Ohio so Ted can listen to Arnold Schwartzenegger talk about muscles. But after that we are gonna be there EVERY WEEK.
Three bucks per person for a movie, a show, and a guy in tentacles with a great stage presence (Mardi was okay but not as good). YES.
Saturday night, or technically Sunday morning since we didn't even get home till 3 AM, Sarah and Ted stayed at a room in the hotel in McCormick's Creek, which is a state park nearby, and we naturally crashed back here. I had a dream with Chris in it -- I was sitting next to him and leaning on him, while he was talking to some people and trying to convince them of something -- and spent basically all of Sunday choking back tears at having had to wake up from ANYTHING involving him in ANY WAY. The car broke down on the way back from McCormick's Creek, and so it was a good thing that Sarah and Ted were right behind us because they were taking mecha up to Indy with them. We managed to get it into the parking lot of the costume store at 10th and 46, and as of my bus ride home yesterday evening it was still there.
Yesterday (Monday) I had another counseling appointment, and then had lunch at the union, and then went to class, and then came home. I was feeling what passes for okay again at the time of the counseling appointment, and so I mainly talked about how tired I am of this. It's frustrating and incredibly wearying to just go on being miserable all the time (aside from when I am able to make myself forget it in the short term, but it is still back there waiting to come out again). To wake up every morning knowing that I am going to be depressed today and that it will not end any time soon. To know that I am going to be hit all over again with the fact that Chris is dead and gone forever and ever and I will never see him again, to know that that metaphoric kick to the stomach is coming again and again and again and there is nothing I can do to escape. I wanted ONE THING from life, and that was to someday be with him. I suffered years and years of loneliness and frustration because I figured that if I could just get through the crap of school and whatever, then I could actually be where I wanted to be. And it was obviously too much to ask. Sorry, Jenny, but we do have a lovely parting gift of a lifetime spent as a lonely cat lady. And now a word from our sponsors.
Then Monday evening I learned that my family's stupid fucking Internet connection has stopped working. And this morning I got more calls about it. It isn't working and it isn't working and I'm going to have to go SIX FUCKING HUNDRED MILES to fix it AGAIN and I'm going to get in SO MUCH TROUBLE when I ask for someone to drive me and I HATE THAT FUCKING LAPTOP SO MUCH. As Chris's last days and weeks were ticking by I was frittering away a fair chunk of my time setting up that STUPID FUCKING LAPTOP to be "idiot proof". One night I even skipped saying good night to him proper because I needed to go work on it. Like two days before he died. I poured some of my last chances to spend time with him into that FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT and it WON'T EVEN WORK. And then I get calls from my brother where he is in tears and moaning that I just "have" to come out there and fix the fucking thing. Because it's soooooo important that he gets his fucking Internet RIGHT NOW. I have school and I have an apartment to take care of and EVERY SINGLE DAY I have to LIE to myself and say that there are REASONS TO WAKE UP THE NEXT MORNING, but fuck my problems, because he can't read about Transformers! Time to drop everything! It isn't like I'm doing anything important. It isn't like I'll ever be happy anyway. Might as well be miserable while in the service of others.
Finally, Monday night shortly before bed, I stumbled across a folder full of ancient webcam captures of Chris. And then I just cried and cried because all I have left of him is ancient webcam captures and MUX logs and a couple of letters and things that he sent me, and a ring that I wear on a chain since it never actually fit. And that's it. Five whole years and that's all I have to show for it; five measly years and now it's over already. These things are supposed to happen when you're old, so you don't have to go on living for too much longer afterwards. They're not supposed to happen when you're 25 and probably won't get to also die for decades. And while I'm not at all the suicidal type, I just do not want to keep living like this. It hurts and hurts and doesn't stop hurting and it really does feel like either the hurting has to stop or else the being alive part does. Yet it all keeps going, with no end in sight. With my luck I will probably live to be ninety, and still be lonely and shattered at the very end. It would follow the pattern. Good things for Jenny mean there is an oversight somewhere, and while it might take five years to correct the oversight, rest assured, that correction will come.
Today on the phone with mom it also came up that her parents have decided to go into a rest home. Sure, she dropped everything and moved out to West Virginia just to take care of them, and nobody can find jobs that will support the family even now. But hell, let's add on the extra expense anyway. It isn't like mom gave up good employment to move out there OH WAIT YEAH SHE DID
Basically they simply will not have enough money to survive and they will all wind up ON THE FUCKING STREET until I can finally graduate and get some money and then I'll have to send it all to them just so they can survive. For the rest of my life. Until I finally, mercifully die.
Good things for Jenny? Never. Bad only. Have to keep up the pattern.
Now I should be on the bus headed for class, except I had to keep answering the phone and hearing more reasons to hate life. And now I just can't do it. I can't go to class. I haven't got the energy, and I keep crying too hard to even see anyway. I have to go to the class I have at 4, because it has a fairly strict attendance policy, but right now I just can't. I really can't.
I have a huge test tomorrow that I have to study for, too, but every time I try I just can't think about it because I'm too busy thinking about all the things that are going wrong. And I'm guaranteed more calls tonight when I get home, so I won't be able to study then either.
And basically life is just shit and I hate it hate it hate it.
Chris used to tell me that things would be all right someday, and that he would be here for me meanwhile. But he's gone forever now. And the first half was never true anyway.
You can have that whole "hope" thing, if you want. I'm through with it. At least bad things hurt less when you know all along that there was no way for them to ever turn out good anyway.
Re: if i may interject
Date: 2007-03-15 02:44 am (UTC)One thing you mentioned there is a problem I've discovered when I go in to my sessions; all I can even THINK about is whatever's at the front of my mind at the time, and it's honestly hard to even remember how I might have felt the day before or whatever, let alone put it into words. Which means it doesn't get expressed and addressed or whatever.
I don't know if it will stop happening or what, but I guess I'll find out when I go in again next week. I might even do the printout thing, although I thought about it at the very beginning and then dismissed it as being Too Damn Weird.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-28 02:20 pm (UTC)What if Chris was still there for you? Not hypothetically, I mean right now. What if he's somewhere that he knows how hard life has been for you? Whether you believe that's eating sherbet with 1000 virgins or chilling with the Flying Spaghetti Monster and his pal Cthulu, just think about it for a minute. If your beliefs don't stretch quite that far, then Let's Pretend. You know Chris well enough to simulate his personality in your head, I'm sure.
Chris knew you better than anyone else on this planet, most likely. He knew your talents, your dreams, your aspirations. As any good friend would do, I'm sure he encouraged the expression of those talents, the fulfillment of those dreams. Now let's say he's still doing that. No, you can't see or hear him doing so, but he's still rooting for you to make the best you can out of the pile of lemons and battery acid that life has handed you the last few months/years/decades. He knows exactly how hard it's been for you, but he also knows it can be better. He wouldn't want your life to come to a crashing halt over him, any more than you would have wanted that to happen to him. He can't help what's happened, but he wants you to pick up the pieces, or at least start to see some hope for the near future.
I hope this helps somehow...
no subject
Date: 2007-03-15 02:52 am (UTC)I would like it if he was still rattling around somewhere, in some form, even if it was no longer the whole corporeal-human-existence-known-as-"life" thing. Back when I was spending 90% of my waking time either crying or barely staving off the crying, I kept trying to convince myself that it was true, because if it WAS true, it would make things a whole lot easier to get through. "Never again" is an awful thing. "Eventually, so just be patient, and hey, maybe enjoy stuff meanwhile" is altogether different.
Except given a lack of definitive evidence of any such thing, combined with the usual pessimism and belief that Things Simply Do Not Go The Way That Would Make Jenny Happy (Just See Recent Events For Example)... meh. I have never been one for the whole "faith" thing, because I need evidence. It doesn't necessarily have to stand up in court, but it has to be something that my brain can be happy with, and on this front, there just ain't any of that.
ME TYPE LOTS POKEY HOORAY