I'm in a sharing mood...

[napoleonherself]

The following is a poem I just wrote last night for an assignment due today. I have decided to post it here because, as the subject says, I'm in a sharing mood. And I would like to get comments, if anyone has anything to say about it. So, yeah.


Seriously. Only honest comments tolerated. Because otherwise you will spoil my fun... and trust me, my ulterior motive is an amusing one...

Oh, yeah, the poem. Here it is!


My love, how do I love thee?
I shall not count the ways
For that would be beyond me
And would take many days.

I could spend an eternity
Recounting all that you
Have done for me by loving me
With heart so pure and true.

I swear that I shall never break
Nor scorn no wound your heart;
With all my heart, this vow I make:
As perfect as thou art,

I'll do my very best to be
Deserving of you, dear,
That I might live my life complete
Because I have you near.

Comments

AWWWW!

[emsworth.livejournal.com]

Sniff. That was such a touching piece, with masterfully lyrical simplicity.

[napoleonherself.livejournal.com]

Incidentally, once I determine that enough time has passed, I will reveal my reason for posting this and asking for comments.

It's a good one. At least I think so.

[nilremvenx.livejournal.com]

I knew you liked me.

[feathered.livejournal.com]

Hey! S'Clara, I emailed you a week or so ago... You gave me permission to add you to my friends, so here I am! And since you say you want honest opinions, I'll give you some.

I really like the first stanza. It's very very sweet, and /really/ well done, save for the repetition of 'love' in the first line. Maybe you could change the first one? I can't recall what Shakespear says in his 'let me count the ways...' Just pick some other endearment, and that little problem will be solved. The only other thing I noticed when I said it outloud, was that the last line seems like it could use another sylable, maybe. But don't take my word on that one, I'm not sure about it yet.

I could spend an eternity
Recounting all that you
Have done for me by loving me
With heart so pure and true.

This one is very good. My only comment is that you repeat 'me' twice in the third stanza. I'm a stickler for repeating words, they drive me crazy, so if you want my complete approval, you'll have to fix those!

I swear that I shall never break
Nor scorn no wound your heart;
With all my heart, this vow I make:
As perfect as thou art,

Heart is repeated twice. I suggest you change the second one to 'soul,' maybe? The second line here is a little bit confusing ... It seems to me like maybe you meant 'or' instead of 'no.'

The last stanza is perfect! I really like this poem, it conveys the devotion and adoration very well. No, what's it for!? I wanna know!

Le poem

[(Anonymous)]

I would say it`s a brave start with a nice touch of humor. Respectable middle. Unfortunate end, mind you - could make a nice greeting card.

[master-sock.livejournal.com]

::cheers:: That's the kind of poetry I like! It rhymes and it makes sense!!!

[napoleonherself.livejournal.com]

Oh, really? Well, here's another one you should like.

Let me tell you something, Brian,
I want to kill you, and I'm not lyin'.
You will bleed and feel great pain
And then I'll run over you with a train.
But first I'll eat cow in front of you
Because it will make you cry! Woohoo!

...well? ;P

Re:

[master-sock.livejournal.com]

::standing ovation!::

I think you should be a poet. You're much better then them berret wearing, finger snapping weinies.

[xidus.livejournal.com]

It's nice enough, but who the hack are you, and what did you do with the REAL Jenny?

Oh... and I know the reason! ::dances the i-know-something-you-don't dance:: ::promptly gets killed repeatedly::

Voot!

[napoleonherself.livejournal.com]

Oh? If you know the reason, why don't you enlighten everyone else? ;)

Since I figure just about everyone who's going to comment, already has. That, and I want said reason out in the clear so I can reclaim my dignity!

[xidus.livejournal.com]

This is Jenny's 'I have to write a really bad love poem for class' poem, just to enlighten everyone else.

::enlightens himself through a window::

::also chews on Jenny's reputation, then hands it back to her slightly moist::

[napoleonherself.livejournal.com]

Gah... my reputation has teethmarks in it. And darnit, you drooled on my dignity!

But yes, that was why I asked for honesty. I was hoping people would see that the poem sucked, and comment accordingly. But nobody played along. *sniff*

Now my assignment is to write a legitimate love poem. THAT'S gonna be hard.

[napoleonherself.livejournal.com]

Melodrama. Melodrama and more melodrama. Purposefully awkward word choice (overuse of the word 'heart' in one stanza, I can't remember which right now, and overuse of word 'love' in the first line). Forced rhyme. I had a version that had some wonderful mysteriously-disappearing rhythm, but that disappeared after a rewrite.

Plus, darn it, I just say it's bad,t herefore it is!

[napoleonherself.livejournal.com]

Ummm... yeah, and overuse of 'disappear' in that comment was purposeful. Sure. That's the ticket...

[napoleonherself.livejournal.com]

Since... uh... sometime or other?