![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
napoleonherselfEvery schoolday I set my alarm for somewhere between 7 and 8 AM, depending on when I actually have to be at class that day. Mondays and Wednesdays my class isn't till 4 in the afternoon, but I still get up early -- I like having all that time to do whatever I want before I even have to think about leaving, plus it helps keep my sleeping schedule regular, thus making it easier to drag myself up before dawn when I need to.
Last night I was awake until about 2, so I set my alarm later than usual. And yet I still woke up on my own at almost the usual time.
Huh. A regular, self-regulating sleep schedule. All those months of sleeping at insanely random intervals and fighting desperately to try to be sleepy at the right time and often being awake just in time to not get to talk to Chris much or at all for the day (especially when combined with me having a bunch of stupid stuff to do away from computer AND being a stupid worthless bitch who couldn't pull herself away from CoH often enough), and now I guess I've finally got it. Too late, of course, but I think it is the defining feature of my life that I must miss out on and/or fail to achieve all the things I *really* want, at least until after it's too late for it to really mean anything anymore. If this must mean that good people must die meaningless deaths, then all the better I suppose.
I cannot wait for it to be 2:00 tomorrow. I have been looking forward to my counseling appointment like you would not believe. It won't actually help, nothing will help and I will continue to hurt very much for a long, long time if not for the rest of my probably-horrifically-long-and-empty life. But right now I have utterly no genuine hope, so little bits of false hope to cling to -- one, then another, then another, as each crumbles behind me -- are about all I have to keep me from planning just where is exactly the best place in town to walk out in front of traffic. This is an exaggeration, but I'm not sure how much of one.
Now it is time to do something mindless but vaguely entertaining, in the hopes that I can thusly stop crying.
I've been an essentially sad/depressed person basically since I can ever remember. On the one hand I suppose I've at least had practice, but on the other hand why could I not be sad for any reason but this.
End whining. For now.
Last night I was awake until about 2, so I set my alarm later than usual. And yet I still woke up on my own at almost the usual time.
Huh. A regular, self-regulating sleep schedule. All those months of sleeping at insanely random intervals and fighting desperately to try to be sleepy at the right time and often being awake just in time to not get to talk to Chris much or at all for the day (especially when combined with me having a bunch of stupid stuff to do away from computer AND being a stupid worthless bitch who couldn't pull herself away from CoH often enough), and now I guess I've finally got it. Too late, of course, but I think it is the defining feature of my life that I must miss out on and/or fail to achieve all the things I *really* want, at least until after it's too late for it to really mean anything anymore. If this must mean that good people must die meaningless deaths, then all the better I suppose.
I cannot wait for it to be 2:00 tomorrow. I have been looking forward to my counseling appointment like you would not believe. It won't actually help, nothing will help and I will continue to hurt very much for a long, long time if not for the rest of my probably-horrifically-long-and-empty life. But right now I have utterly no genuine hope, so little bits of false hope to cling to -- one, then another, then another, as each crumbles behind me -- are about all I have to keep me from planning just where is exactly the best place in town to walk out in front of traffic. This is an exaggeration, but I'm not sure how much of one.
Now it is time to do something mindless but vaguely entertaining, in the hopes that I can thusly stop crying.
I've been an essentially sad/depressed person basically since I can ever remember. On the one hand I suppose I've at least had practice, but on the other hand why could I not be sad for any reason but this.
End whining. For now.
